It makes me feel broken

Being honest with people about my health is starting to make me feel broken.

I’ve been writing but keeping them all to myself, again. I’ll let you read them soon, I promise.

I’ve been meeting new people again, it forced me to realize how bad my ptsd has gotten. First, I started by keeping my writings to myself because I didn’t want to upset you, depress you, but now I’ve reverted back into the mindset I was in, in college. The feeling that being sick, made me broken, that being in pain, made me less worth it, that I need to hide it, that I need to lie to the people around me, so that they don’t find out that I’m broken. You know that I don’t believe in lying when people ask me “how are you?”, but I’ve started lying to people. I’ve caught myself in the lie sometimes, trying to backtrack and tell people how I’m really feeling, but it makes me feel broken.

I try to gage by their facial expressions, how broken they think I am. Then later, while I lay in pain, I overthink all the things I told them, trying to decipher which part they’ll use against me, which sentence they’ll quote back to me, when they tell me why it’s too hard to love me, to be friends with me. I know that most of this in my head, that I am lovable, that I am worthy of friendship; however, in the back of my mind linger all the times people said that “it’s just too hard”, “you’re always in pain”, “you can’t be loved”, “you’re unlikeable”, “you’re faking it for attention”, “get over it”. Not all of the trauma was caused by the brain injury, chronic pain and all the symptoms that have decided to tag along; but, the accident gave certain people a reason to bow out. I’m scared that you bow out. Now, along with the physical pain comes all the emotional pain, the ptsd and the constant reminder that maybe, I am broken. I’m working on balancing the honesty and unapologetic rawness, with not setting off this feeling of brokenness beyond repair.

Do I abandon unapologetic rawness all together?