PTSD, what a bitch!

We’ve been doing a lot of testing lately because I can feel myself crashing again, well I’ve crashed but I’m not accepting that yet. I can feel the PTSD setting in. These are the moments where I start to feel less compelled to engage in life. I start thinking about pushing people away ‘don’t get too attached, I’ll become a burden’. I’ve talked about taking it as a personal failure if I can’t be there for you, but I consider it a personal failure as well if I have to say no to you. It’s a thin line between forcing myself to go out and experience life, and shutting my phone off and falling off the face of the planet. It’s why would I go out if I won’t be able to go out next time, why love if I won’t be able to go out with you, why try if I’ll lose anyway, why plan a future if this will just happen again. I worry about telling people close to me how I’m truly feeling, both emotionally and physically, because if they care they won’t put me in situations that could “harm” me, like asking me to go out and experience life. So do I keep it close to the chest or do I tell you and hope you’re down to just come sit and watch a movie with me. I don’t want to lose you like I’ve lost other. I’ve been through this too many times. Do I lie and keep you? Or do I tell the truth and risk losing you?

I know what you’ll say, “people won’t leave you”, but so many have. If I lose you, all those moments, where I assumed the risk, where I pushed through the pain to do life with you, were wasted. Then back on the merry-go-round I go, live life or purely survive? 

Please don’t count me out, ask me to do things, but know that as much as I’d love to say yes, sometimes my body says no.

PTSD, what a bitch!