PTSD & Freedom
Hi! It’s been a while… here we go.
It’s been a challenging three weeks, I don’t even remember how it all started. You know when you remember the beginning and end of a movie, but you can’t remember how they got to the ending, yeah, it’s kinda like that. I had a really bad headache, it lasted for about 4 days, and I honestly don’t remember anything. The first thing I remember, is my mother suggesting I go in for IV treatments. Something you don’t know about me, is that it is very hard to draw my blood. My veins are, apparently, very well hidden and or collapse. When I was 14, I had to do UVBI treatments 3 times a week, for 3 months. This is when they hook you up to an IV and draw your blood, that then goes through a UV light machine and then goes back into your blood stream. Long story short, they could not get my blood out by IV so I had to get a PICC line (a catheter that goes to your heart and out your arm, to have easier access to a patients blood stream). Because of all my issues with blood draws and IVs in the past I have always avoided IV treatments. Like I’ve said before, lately I have been in such constant and severe pain that I agreed to go in for the IV. Cut to me getting the IV, feeling faint, my pain increasing within minutes and the pain launching my PTSD. That Thursday was an absolutely fucking shit show. Truly one of my top 20 most painful days (I ran out of top 10 spots last year). In the days following, my head hurt so bad, even just to the touch, it was as if my head was entire bruised. Often, when I have these really bad headaches my head seems bruised from the inside of my scull, any pressure put on my head is extremely painful. That week specifically, I was having drainage issues, meaning that the fluid wasn’t properly draining out of my head because the base of my scull was so swollen. After many hours of treatments, performed by my mother, she was able to get the fluid to drain out into my left arm and shoulder. This alleviated the pain in my head but my arm and shoulder were so swollen and painful that I couldn’t really lift my left arm. That swelling lasted for another 4 days. A few days ago I was venting to my neurologist and was trying to explain how I was feeling. These last few pain cycles, episodes, have made me feel less than human. I feel like every time they happen I become less of a human being, more just skin and bones. Brushing my teeth hurts, taking a shower is just not manageable, remembering to eat/drink is nearly impossible. Then three weeks have gone by and you can’t even remember how you got here. So when someone asked why I’m going in for another IV treatment, all I can think about is, ‘it’s for freedom’. It’s because sometimes, you have to get worst before you get better, and that’s what I’m hoping for. I’m hoping that this shit fucking sucks, because for the next three weeks I’ll be free. I’ll have the freedom to take a shower when I want and without pain, that I’ll have the freedom to walk around outside pain free, that I’ll be able to eat because I’m hungry and not just to stay alive. Freedom, without PTSD. On days that I feel okay, I’m scared of the days I won’t be. I hate that my pain controls me, and those who love me. I hate that I’m a prison within myself. It has to end someday.
Right?