To my second in command
CHAPTER 4
To my second in command…
No, I’m not a mob boss, and I know you don’t work for me, but you’re my first little sister so I thought I’d give you a cool title. Let’s be honest, we don’t get along, you and I don’t communicate well. We can be in a room together but most of the time someone ends up leaving. It’s neither one of our faults, but maybe that cancels each other out, so it’s both our faults? Either way, we’re not the picture of sisters who are best friends, and honestly those always seemed fake to me, I have a hard time imagining it. Maman says that when we were little we were best friends, I’m not sure if kids under the age of 6 can have best friends or if it’s more whoever’s available is their best friend. People always say “you’re sisters, you have to love each other”. I don’t think we hate each other, well, I don’t hate you. But, I don’t think everyone telling us we need to love each other is constructive. We’ve never been allowed to think freely and actually put thought into if we actually love each other. What if we only like each other? What if it’s just that we don’t hate each other? It might be more constructive and amicable if we don’t force it. Maybe if we think about it less, it will come naturally.
I know, and I understand that it has been hard for you too, that I’m sick. Yes, yes, I know you hate it when I say ‘I’m sick’ but, you know what, it’s harder to actually be sick than hear about the fact that someone is sick. We are extremely different, I like to hypothesize and you like to hypothesize but only if it can be back up by science. I like to go through the maze without the map and you like using the map. I think it’s funny when things go “wrong”, and that tends to frustrate you. I like talking about things that make people uncomfortable and you don’t like that I do that. You don’t feel the need to answer “how are you?” honestly and I do. If someone asks me how I am, I will tell them how I am, I don’t just answer ‘good’. You don’t like confrontation and I might enjoy it. You see it as picking a fight, and I see it as gaining insight on how someone thinks and feels. I address the fact that I’m sick with complete strangers, you see that as unnecessary and I see it as informing them on chronic illness. I like asking questions about anything and everything, and contrary to your beliefs I do realize that some people may not like that. I see it as, once the question is posed, the ball is in their court, that they now have the right not to answer. People always ask us who’s smarter, I guess that comes with the territory when having siblings. I always answer that you’re the smartest because most of society measures intelligence by how high our grades are. I find that the best way to make us seem equally smart is to say that you’re book smart and that I’m street smart. I have a hard time getting along with you because I feel that I can’t say anything around you. You take it one of two ways, either I’m insulting you or I’m lecturing you. The only reason I say that you are book smart is because you have better grades than I do, not because you aren’t street smart. For some reason this is an insult to you. I honestly don’t get it. When you say you have stomach pains and I say that I can relate, it’s not to minimize the fact that you have stomach pains, it is to relate to you and to make sure you know you’re not alone. I know I’m not perfect and I’m not saying this to make myself seem better or to make myself the victim, it’s to make you understand that I’m not out to get you. I know that your life wasn’t easy, I know that you work hard for your grades, I know that you’re more than just your grades and I know that your struggles are valid. You are aware of what I’m going through, you know I’m sick, you know that I don’t know when or if I’ll get better and you know that if someone asks how I am, I’m probably not “good”. I need you to understand that I will, for the rest of my life continue to educate people on what it’s like living with a brain injury, what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. You will hear my story over and over again. I have made peace with this endless, repetitive cycle and you need to as well. If you can’t that’s definitely ok and it’s your prerogative.
On another point, whenever we argue you bring up the fact that when I got sick I'm not the only one who suffered because you lost your sister. That's valid. However, you would've lost your sister regardless of me getting sick or not because I'm not 13 anymore, and people change. Nevertheless, I understand, I lost her too. And what scares me most is, I don't remember her. I'm glad someone does.
Your first in command,
The one who keeps telling the same stories