To what I didn’t know

CHAPTER 10

To what I didn't know...

I didn't know it'd be so hard. I didn’t know I was lying to myself. I didn’t know it’d take so long. I didn’t know how much I craved love. I didn’t know how little I loved myself. I didn’t know how smart I was. I didn’t know how pretty I am. I didn’t know how much I had to offer. I didn’t know I was a good friend. Through all this, throughout the last 8 years I’ve realized a lot of things, due to being alone a lot, I’ve noticed a lot of things about myself and the people that surround me. I’ve noticed how important love and physical affection is. I love hugs, kisses and I grew up with a lot of friends whom I’d hug and kiss and after losing a lot of them I realized how much I truly needed them. Not necessarily the people themselves, but the physical affection that comes with being surrounded by people you are comfortable with. When I moved to Nashville for 7 months I started feeling weird, an emptiness, like my body was hollow. I noticed that when I wrapped my arms around myself the hollowness filled. A couple weeks later I realized I hadn’t had a hug in over a month. I craved a hug, from anyone. I didn’t know how much I loved people and how much they meant to me. I didn’t know how important physical affection was. It’s true what they say, ‘sometimes you only notice it, when it’s gone’. I later learned that rubbing your hands up and down the upper part of your arm, is a way to sooth anxiety and stress. I didn’t know how much, having physical people around me, had such an impact on my mental health. People always say “you have friends, you have so many friends”, and yes, but most of my friends don’t live within driving distance of me. I’ve learned that I need people need people, physical people.