To You
CHAPTER XX
This is not a book about how I got better, this is not an inspirational book. I needed to write my raw emotional truth.
For years now, I’ve been writing open letter to people, when I’m upset, mad, happy, confused, nervous, scared, etc. They are hidden throughout my house and I have never sent any of them. Sometimes the feelings need to be told but the timing is off, so I write it down, tuck the letter away and let it go. I’ve written letters in hotels, planes, hostels, trains, restaurants and left them there. If you’ve found one I hope you read it. People feel but don’t know how to express it. People talk and then regret it. If you take the time to write it down beginning to end, the emotion comes down from your brain, through your heart and out through your fingertips, into the pen and on to your page. If you read it and the first line resembles the last, emotionally, you’re not done writing. I like to write in a journal, so the letters I chose to keep, travel with me and those I chose to release I rip out and leave behind. I don’t drink or do drugs, because I like to be in touch with reality, whether it be good or bad. Some feel the need to escape synthetically, it helps them filter the emotions they need to feel first. This is about a journey that I didn’t want to be on and that hasn’t ended, yet. I don’t have it figured out. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I write. I write to let myself know that I can still do something. One of the most primal things that we can do as conscious minds and physical spirits is feel. I can’t always express it and I don’t always know what I’m feeling, but it’s there. How you choose to express it is up to you, for me, I write. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and never ending. It usually hurts, is mostly confusing but always releasing. I’m not sure why I thought you’d care or want to read about me and my thoughts but if you did read, I hope you’ve felt something. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, in all honestly, I don’t really care how you live your life. But if you figure it out let us know. My only advice would be to live it. Just breathe. Actually breathe. One breath in, one breath out and feel it. That’s life. Feel it. Feel it all, whatever it is, good or bad it’s happening.
This is for the person going through some shit! This is for that family member that doesn’t understand what you’re going through, for that friend, spouse, ex, parent, teacher and boss who doesn’t believe you. I’m writing this to make you feel less alone. I’m writing this so that if you can’t tell those people exactly how you feel, or if you’re too tired of repeating it all the time, let them read this. Let me tell them. Let me be your ally. Let me educate them on how to treat someone in pain. Let me be your voice when you can’t find your own. Let me help you understand that you are not alone, that someone out there validated what you are going through. Whatever you are feeling, let me validate it. It is real, you are in pain, you are exhausted, you need a break, you are strong, you are smart, you are heard, you are incredible, you are human, you are accepted. You are exactly who you think you are, and only you know what that feels like.
And to you, the person that keeps saying “I don’t understand”, it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to understand, just believe them. Trust that if they say they can’t today, they truly cannot do it today. Believe that they feel something and it’s real, even if you can’t see it. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do. Just know that if they are not well and you feel that it inconveniences you, think about them and how inconvenienced they are. Ask them how much they’ve given up. Ask them what it’s like to feel and not understand or be understood.
If you are experiencing some sort of chronic pain, mental or physical; I won’t lie to you, people probably won’t understand. However, what you’re experiencing is real and I validate it. I don’t care if a doctor tells you you’re crazy or if they say that doesn’t happen, it does happen, shit happens. To those doctors, I hate to break it to you but your statistics and medical textbooks don’t consider every shitty situation people could or have gone through. For the past 8 years I’ve been a person with many dreams. Before all this happened, I thought my dream was to be an Olympic athlete. Now looking back, I realize, that that wasn’t a dream, but a goal. I went from having a goal to just having dreams. Not to say that dreams aren’t good, but don’t they say “goals are dreams you work towards”. But what if you have so many dreams, you can’t figure out which one to work towards. How do you pick a dream to be your goal? What if you have so many dreams, and you pick one, then you start working towards it, but then your body decides that’s not happening today? What then?