Not ready for me… yet

Sometimes I get urges, overwhelming feelings that I have have to meet someone, that I have to walk up to them and know them. I don’t know why. It’s like for some reason, you need to be a part of my life. It’s a big part of why I go up to strangers. My earliest memory of this was when I was 4, my friend and I were walking through the park with her mom, when I just simply walked away, towards an older woman sitting on a bench. I remember feeling pulled towards her, I had so many questions for her. I’d never seen or met her before and yet, I needed to talk to her. Over the years, this overwhelming feeling, to walk up to certain people, has gotten stronger, to the point where if I don’t I feel like I’m letting myself down. Sometimes, when I don’t walk up to them, the feeling passes just as soon as they walk by me. Other times, I’m still thinking about them years later and that potential missed opportunity of something. Then there are those that I did walk up to, in the hopes that this feeling would pass. But still, years later, they’re a constant intrusion on my daily thoughts. I think that this specific person lingers in my thoughts, because maybe they just aren’t ready. Maybe they aren’t ready for me, yet. Maybe, you’re not ready for me. It’s a feeling of knowing, and not being able to complete. It’s when you’ve laid it all out, and yet, they can’t see it. Maybe they don’t want to. Maybe they’re just not ready. Maybe they haven’t had that need yet, the need for this, for whatever this feeling is. So, now what? What if they’re never ready for you, what if they’re never ready to take the leap, to realize what could’ve been, what could still be? People come and go, thoughts come and go, but what do you do about the thoughts and people that don’t go. What do you do when you feel you know the ending, but they, that person, hasn’t even started reading. “If they wanted to, they would” right?

But then, maybe not.

Maybe someday, you’ll be ready.

It’s okay…