Not So Romantic Relationships

Here are a few actual responses I’ve given guys after they’ve said they like me: “no”, “you’re wrong” and “thank you”. Yeah, I know, oof! Always followed by “I know it’s hard to tell someone you like them, so please tell the next girl you like her, and hopefully she’ll be kinder.” I didn’t really know at first why I was responding like that, but after a few times of responding the same way, I’ve come up with why I might be doing that. At first, I was saying “no” and “you’re wrong” because, (I know fucked up) I truly didn’t believe them. I actually thought they were wrong. It wasn’t that I thought I wasn’t likable, it’s that I thought they were wrong. How annoying and frustrating is that, that someone would flat out tell you that your feelings are wrong. I’m sorry, that was really messed up of me. On the other hand, I had kind of decided in my head, that because I was sick, that I was a burden. I knew that when I hung out with people, I pretended that I was feeling fine, that I wasn’t in a lot of pain. I was acting, I didn’t want to make anyone upset or sad. At that point I had also lost a lot of friends, because they didn’t believe me or I just cancelled too much. So, I figured I would just pretend that I wasn’t in inane pain. So, the person this guy thought he liked, didn’t really exist, in that he didn’t have the whole picture. He didn’t know that when we were done hanging out, that I had to recover for days, because I was in so much pain. I didn’t feel that it was fair to them. I don’t know if this makes anything worst, but it wasn’t always that I didn’t like you, it’s that I felt I was lying to you about what you’d be getting yourself into.

I was always open to my friends about what I was experiencing, physically and emotionally, but seeing it happen, seeing me breakdown, for them, was always a different story, so I tried to hid it. But over the last few years more and more of my friends have seen me at my worst, because instead of canceling (if I can), I let them see.

As for when I respond “thank you”, I’m actually thankful, and I don’t know what else to say. Sometimes, I just don’t know how I feel about you and I don’t like the idea of dragging you around until I figure that out, so I rather just end it before it begins. People, it’s not the best fucking system. I’m working on it!