Unemployable?

Since November, 2020 my health seems to have gone downhill a bit. I have fewer good days and the bad days seem much worst. Also, being “stuck” makes my mental health a lot worst, not having something to look forward to, makes the bad days a lot worst. Being in chronic pain or dealing with chronic illness can make you feel like less of a person. I struggle with not feeling like I’m contributing to this human experience, to the world. Little things, like going to work, going to school, are such a huge part of the human experience. Whether you love or hate it, it gives you a purpose, a reason. Having to be somewhere, to do something, to have a set goal, makes you feel accomplished, needed, or useful. When I was in highschool, I was being homeschooled, because I could not make it to class. Being homeschooled people just assumed, that I wasn’t doing anything, that I had all the time in the world because I “wasn’t in school”. Now, that I’m older I’m trying to figure out how I fit into the business world. Am I employable? I have been working, as a ski coach, since I was 14. Being a ski coach was an easy job for me to manage because, usually, it was only 2-3 days a week and I was replaceable. Replaceable in the sense that if I had to call in sick, anyone could fill my spot It’s inconvenient and I absolutely hate “admitting defeat”, but it was always an option. Having the option to call in sick, took a lot of the stress away. In March, I met a family who urgently needed a sitter to watch their 6 month old. At the time the job was going to be 4 days and that’s it. Committing to a recurring schedule, like a job, is always very difficult, because I take letting people down very seriously. I take it as a personal failure if I have to call in sick, and a job, where I’m not replaceable, is extremely stressful. Anyway, all this to say that the family wanted to keep me, and I LOVE babies, so I said yes. Then comes the… “should I tell them I’m sick or just fake it, until I can’t”. I decided in that moment, that I was just gonna tell them everything and “risk” it. So far the family has been absolutely amazing, they let me create my own schedule, remind me that if I can’t come last minute, that it’s okay. I say so far, not because I’m sensing that the other shoe might drop, but I’ve been in this situation before and I understand that reliability is important, sometimes I’m not reliable just as I can’t always rely on my body. I’ve had friends, bosses, parents, say they’re okay with the uncertainty of it all, but everyone has a breaking point. However, for as long as they’ll have me, being with a baby, and spending time with this adorable tiny human, makes me feel better, it makes me feel useful and needed. It makes me feel part of the human experience. If you rely on me, know that I will do everything I can to be there for you, and if by some fucking twist of fate I’m not, or rather, I can’t, I took it as a personal failure.