Whether we see each other again, whether I ever cross your mind, I’ll remember you.

Being honest with people about my health is starting to make me feel broken.

Today marks ten years since my ski accident.

If I lose you, all those moments, where I assumed the risk, where I pushed through the pain to do life with you, were wasted.

I choose to assume the risk because I feel that my life is about those moments in between the overwhelming pain.

That’s the thing with chronic pain, it will come, it will devastate and it doesn’t care what you think.

Brushing my teeth hurts, taking a shower is just not manageable, remembering to eat/drink is nearly impossible. I hate that my pain controls me, and those who love me.

Recently, I’ve stopped texting/calling people that never text me first, and let me tell you, that was a harsh reality to face. Friends are not forever, but if you’d like them to be, show them you care, don’t just tell them.

I had noticed for the last year, that I was losing my hair, not enough that someone would notice, but enough that it scared me.

I’ve been analyzing my friendships a lot lately. I’ve never had any issues making friends. I can talk to anyone and can usually get anyone to talk to me.

If you rely on me, know that I will do everything I can to be there for you, and if by some fucking twist of fate I’m not, or rather, I can’t, I took it as a personal failure.

One of my oldest friend’s and I have known each other for 16 years. By all stretches of the imagination she’s had a tough go at life. We met in first grade and have been best friends ever since; however, after high school, she dropped off the map, and we didn’t speak for 4 years.

So, here we are, welcome March. I grew up speaking mostly french so when I was little I could never tell the different between “Mars”, March in french and “Mars”, in english, the planet.

If I met you, I would say all of this to your face, I would ask you questions about your mother, your childhood, your future, anything really. It’s not that I’m nosey, I truly, just am, very curious.

I drink this smoothie every morning to keep my brain, gut and energy healthy!

This is the downside of running a business, when you hold all the positions from Founder to unpaid intern, all while dealing with chronic pain. No one can step in when your pain takes hold.

I don’t know if I’ve always felt like this, or if it’s only since I fell. Something in me just says “Fuck It, what’s the worst that can happen”.

Does being alone make me lonely? Am I lonely because I am alone? Why do I hate being alone? Is it because I can’t stand the silence? Do I like having someone else to worry about so that I don’t have to worry about myself? Or do I just like the sound of their voice? Does that make me selfish?

Sometimes I get urges, overwhelming feelings that I have have to meet someone, that I have to walk up to them and know them. I don’t know why. It’s like for some reason, you need to be a part of my life.

You and I don’t always agree. We seem to be running two different lives. I need you to heal, I need you to understand me, my spirit. I need you to want to heal. Please follow my heart because without you I can’t do the same.